Tuesday, June 14, 2005
The nervousness, the anxiety, all the adrenaline that was flowing through my blood the entire night...
I'm not a good writer. Neither can i express myself very strongly. However, something happened to me recently that made me change a perspective view of life. We all have rights. Even slaves. To all my close friends in school, outside, you all know what happened. It may not be something of that great importance, but to me hurting someone is truly a stab to my heart. I could never turn back the time where i actually succumbed to my parents' decision. I knew that would forever change her life. Everyone was relieved. I wasn't.
Help me, i'm feeling afraid.
This was what i was thinking back then, after their decision was announced. If only i had spoken for her more persuasively, if only my mother wasn't so dependent on the agent, if only... if only time would reverse, i wouldn't have to cry through the entire night to my mother.
For the past few days i couldn't sleep, i was mostly stoning or trying to divert myself from the distractions going on in my head. I'm guilt stricken, and the pain isn't the usual superficial, it's a seed that's extending its roots everytime i have a flashback. I remember the day - the last time i saw her, was when i was going to school. This is the 1st time in my entire life, that saying goodbye could be such a heart-wrenching situation. She didn't know that it was the last time she would ever meet me again. Still, she smiled happily, sending me off as she always did, everyday.
As i'm typing this entry, i feel tears welling up. I have a tofu heart, that's what my mom tells me. No, it can't be defined that way. I just feel that everyone deserves to know things that concern them. That's what humanity is about. The moment i heard from my mom in school that she was sent away, my world shattered. Maybe not that exaggerating, but that pain in the heart that sticks around for the rest of your life, that's something i never want to experience again. Never shall i commit such guilty sins, nor shall i not stand up for what i believe in.
I don't know what to say to her if i had the chance to see her. Maybe say i'm sorry or just cry in front of her. But, what i can do now, is perhaps dedicate a song to her.
I'm sorry.
Really.
Vuitton pen, 6/14/2005 11:24:00 PM.
